Out went the candle, the one we call life.

Master Sonny Lee passed away on Thursday afternoon; he got hit by a car as he was on his motorbike on his way back from work.

I only got to know about it on Friday, and my only regret was that I couldn’t feel as sad as his more devoted students who were closer to him, like Robin, Eng Hau, Simon, Suresh, Ian and Kevin.. They were the ones who probably needed most consoling next to the immediate family, I felt so sorry that they had to suffer for a man they looked up to so much in life, and have even more reason to do so now that he’s not here anymore.

I can’t say the same for myself. Does that make me a cold person? I doubt. I can truthfully say I respected him for being a good master, and his warm personality made taekwondo pretty fun. At least it wasn’t a stressful activity (although I loathed being robbed of my Sunday sleep-ins, but after warming up I guess I just warmed up with the coming of the day.) but it was more of a way of releasing stress and getting to know my juniors and my seniors. True, I never personally interacted with him often enough for reasons unknown, but it’s great to just have a master who knew how to pull jokes at Albee and jest with the younger kids when they got too rowdy.

Today’s the first day of taekwondo that was conducted in the most solemn manner I’d ever seen. No one dared misbehave, and you can see how pained the assistant instructors were, how much sleep they’ve lost and how much tears they’ve cried just thinking about the great loss to the community and to themselves as a father figure and a teacher.

Most people find deaths sudden and unexpected. That’s why they say, “I never had a chance to say goodbye.” I didn’t really think about that, just felt that this is one of the more harsh methods of giving wake up calls to people, telling them that this is how short life can really be. Don’t take for granted you’ll have all the time in the world to do most things in your life, you usually don’t. And when you’re reaching the end and see your life flashing before your eyes, never wish for all the things you wish you could have done, never regret.

A feeling that just chilled me crept up as I was up close at the coffin, it was just… eerie. At that one moment in time I just refused to believe that Master Lee was gone, and that I could understand why everyone felt so sad. His children had lost a father, his wife had lost a husband, and his loved ones lost one of their own.

Even when my grandparents passed away I don’t remember shedding tears. I feel so insensitive thinking back on it, but what could I have done that would change anything? I was probably too young to understand at the time, like the elders would say. Maybe I just accepted it, and that they were in Heaven looking after us in their own way – that was the way I was brought up to think on it, that actual Death in itself was painless and completely different from they way you actually came face-to-face with it. I probably didn’t understand the Pain that was enough to take away life, since I never experienced it myself.

I must admit I have some shallow perceptions on death, like it not happening to anyone I know anytime soon – I live in a society where people are pretty much aware of a lot of things and would not take unnecessary risks, but who can say when the unpredictable will occur? That’s what makes it painful for them, the factor that makes life uncontrollable by Will of man.

May you rest in peace, Master Lee. All that man leaves in life is a name, and with it his memory in the minds of others. I will remember you and what you mean to me, even if it is in a small box at the back of my mind; it will always be there.