faults

It's time to look back.

Look back on who I was, and who I am now. To tell the truth, I'm different although I feel there's much of me still seems the same. I seem more impartial to things now, like I take things for granted. If I have it, so be it; if i don't, so be it. Things that I hold important to me now seem to be changing. I still value my nakamas - I can't stand losing any one of you. However, I can't deny the fact that we're drifting apart - aichan's right in this one. Mainly because we don't talk much due to time differences and we have our own lives to deal with. But I'm still naive, and I always want to believe some things can withstand the ravages of time, no matter how long or how short.

I never treat my nakamas like every other person, and I know that for sure. But I guess I don't make enough effort to get that message across; I know this is my major fault. In life, in love, in work, in study, in almost everything I do; I do it this way. Maybe, most likely, it's because I'm lazy. I don't deny it.

I admit my faults, and the many, many times people have had to give me numerous chances to fix myself. I'm still trying. Just that I'm not trying hard enough. Damnit, why is it that I only start to try once I've been prodded?

I've changed. I don't know if it's for the better or worse. Better because I seem to enjoy everything and everyone around me. But worse because I seem to be losing everything and everyone closest to me, that I thought I had in safekeeping.

My parents seem to be losing trust in me. They question my judgement, my trust in them, my piety. My motives, my lessons learnt - just some among others. But they are discreet, they drop little hints here and there, gently prying open Pandora's box. In hopes that they would find the root of the problem, and so the cure. I don't blame them; who knew such a box contained such vices that brought the world much misery?

The one friend that entirely trusted me now has just about lost everything she saw in me. The one friend that I shared everything with then, I share so much less with now. I asked myself, "Why?" I never thought about intentionally not telling about the details of my life, it's just that I've been busy with the trivialities of everyday life that occupied my mind that it got displaced into the archives. I suppose it comes back to what I deem important enough to tell. And as much as I know her, I never meant to hurt her so much this way. The crime of ignorance has its price - and a steep one indeed. Now I risk losing someone I never thought I would lose, and I don't want it to end this way. I know it's not only because of this, though.

A friend should be a person that is with you at your darkest hour, at any hour. What brought us to this point was the fact that I wasn't there. I was away, enjoying myself where I stand right now instead of being there for you. And that had to be the hardest blow. I truly regret what I did, but I cannot take back what I did. I know, it was unforgivable in your eyes. It would have been in mine too. But since I'm on the guilty end, it would be cliche and completely moronic for me to say otherwise and go on about all that trap about a final chance. So if I have to start from scratch, at least give me that - don't turn me away. Don't give up on me. I haven't.