)($*&^_)#$(^I%

I am feeling very angry right now. For feeling this way that I really shouldn't be. Angry at alot of things and feeling like doing alot of things on impulse.

After dinner, I was hoping to go out, get a coffee and people watch. The rain totally ruined it. Then I found myself wanting to go to a bar and taking a few drinks. I don't have to talk to anyone, although it did cross my mind to sit randomly somewhere and see where it goes. I might meet new people, you never know. I also thought of telling someone some things that I really shouldn't be saying because it will ruin everything and also making myself a complete ass in the process.

Gawd I'm so angry at myself. I'm so stupid, I tell you. This shouldn't be happening cause I thought it finally washed over me and that I'd be able to take it. I really want to shout at something but I know there isn't anything to shout at. I want to walk in the rain and fall sick or something but I can't because I know that's just being stupid. I want to be somewhere else that I cannot be right now and it's all for the wrong reason. I told someone to "go screw yourself" because I was feeling angry that I'm being treated like a fool that I know I am.

The thought's been playing over and over in my mind and I still can't get over it. Aku mahu meluahkan semuanya kepada awak. But I know the coward in me chooses to hide alot of things that I really shouldn't. I'd even thought of how I'd want to say it. I had wanted to say it when we meet, but I didn't want to "ruin everything", so I didn't. Sometimes I hide so many things from so many people that I do wonder that I'm even right here where I am now.. I should stay hidden since that is my nature. I don't need to be here and deal with all the piles of turd life keeps throwing at me if I can stay hidden all the time.

Shit I'm so fucking angry.

*sniff*

song of the moment: ELLEGARDEN - I hate it